uUGHH my hair is all over my pillows and i was hoping i could maybe still have some on my head for a snow trip in two weeks but it looks like i’ma be a bald one fairly soon
time to actually look the part of a cancer patient woo yeah awesome
"hey what’s the date?"
its so fucked up that I didn’t understand why this was weird for like 2 minutes
online retail therapy + matzo ball soup from the jewish deli makes the day after chemo significantly less crappy
chemo really fucking sucks, but even in these moments of nausea and super fatigue and chunks of hair coming out of my head I really am insanely grateful that it exists. an 8 month life break in the midst of the most wonderful time of my life super sucks, but it’s a hell of a lot better than waiting on a deathbed. I keep having to remind myself: chemo is not the enemy, it’s the cure. cancer is the motherfucking enemy.
Anonymous asked: Hi Lizzy! You are beautiful, and wonderful, and very, very loved. <3 I know things are so difficult right now. I just hope this will brighten your day.
aw thank you anon! day brightened!
Anonymous asked: hey there! i really hope this isn't insensitive or really stupid, but i don't know a lot about chemo. first of all, why did you have to cut your hair short before it actually started falling out? and secondly, can you still have sex and stuff on chemo?
hi! please never worry about sounding insensitive or dumb about this crap because there’s just so much to know and so many questions about it all. just a few months ago i was ridiculously oblivious to the world of cancer and chemo.
anyway, i cut my hair short because a nurse told me that it would be traumatic for 20-inch hair to fall out as opposed to little dinky pixie-hairs. also, it makes the hair loss more of my decision rather than waiting for chemo to take it away from me, and that’s a sort of empowering thing.
second, at the risk of putting uncomfortable images in my followers’ heads, yes, i can still totally sex. less frequently because i’m sick at least 10 days out of the month, but yeah. a lot of people can’t when they’re white blood cell counts get too low and they don’t want to be exposed to infection, but i have a booster shot after each chemo to try to keep them up so i can still mostly do things i always could.
please, ask away always, even if you feel like the question is super dumb (which this wasn’t!)
Anonymous asked: hey! hang in there alright bb! you're doing so good and you shouldn't let this get you down or feel un-feminine. make your own rules and kick some ass ok?
thank you so much for your lovins and carins anon! i have to assure you though that i really am totally fine and hanging in there and not entirely hopeless and i think my last text post came off a whole lot more depressed than intended haha. i will try my best to do some ass kicking!
sometimes i lay back on my pillow and brush my hand against the back of my inch long hair to move a phantom ponytail out of the way. sometimes i eye the tube of non-prescribed toothpaste and wonder if the actual refreshing sensation is worth a week of mouth sores. sometimes i want to go workout, put on my old nikes, and get so exhausted after my warm up stretches that i drift off into sleep on the living room sofa. sometimes i take an hour to get ready for the day and blot blush on my pallid face and meticulously apply cat-winged eyeliner to compensate for my fading femininity and become too tired by the process to ever go outdoors, then watch my eyelashes swirl down the sink when i wash my face at night. sometimes i remember my daily accomplishments of months past, like scoring A’s on practical exams and living the dream of 7 year old me, and compare them to my current every day victories of bowel movements and not barfing when i wake up in the morning. sometimes the light at the end of the tunnel is easy to see, and sometimes i can’t even imagine it.